The 12 Days of Christmas...what really happened!

The Twelve Days of Christmas What Really Happened... (Sanitized for your protection)

On the first day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1994 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes

On the second day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1994 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes

On the third day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 16, 1994 Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes

On the fourth day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 17, 1994 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes

On the fifth day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 18, 1994 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Anges

On the sixth day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 19, 1994 Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes

On the seventh day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 20, 1994 John: What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop sending me all these birds! Sincerely, Agnes

On the eighth day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 21, 1994 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows! There is crap all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes

On the ninth day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 22, 1994 Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes

On the tenth day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 23, 1994 You Rotten Sadist, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been messing with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it.

On the eleventh day of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 24, 1994 Listen! Looser, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been chasing the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes

On the twelfth day of Christmas...

Law Offices Badger, Bender and Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 25, 1994 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole

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Greg's CHRISTMAS Pages
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